And, if life is a story, then a few weeks of life equals a chapter? Does that figure? If so, then about a chapter or so ago, suffering from some very female symptoms that I won't go into here, I made a doctor's appointment, went to that appointment, and left that same appointment feeling hopeless and crushed. According to the doctor, all symptoms pointed to early menopause - the absolute end-all for the infertile woman, but according to the doctor, we still needed to do blood tests.
Don't doctors just have a way of making things so clinical? It's all so matter-of-fact. I actually consider my doctor a kind woman, and even so, her methods are so sterile -- Ha-hem, just like me, so it would seem. I didn't cry in her office, but later I sobbed on Handsome's shoulder.
How he can possibly love me all broken and barren and worthless ... and then there are those yucky night-sweats that I didn't go into above ... I will never understand.
Awaiting the blood test results was well, not agonizing exactly (although, it seems to me that to say it was agonizing makes for a better story), it was more or less irritating, numbing, depressing to think about ... I can't explain it really. I just thought, "This is it. It's all over."
But, when we did get the results we celebrated -- NOT menopausal after all!
Surprised? Me too.
And, if I am completely honest, there was some disappointment (on my part ... crazily enough) too. There would have been some bizarre relief in menopause. I mean, that would have meant for once and for all we could have put to rest the whole heartbreaking process of infertility - closed that chapter of our lives, if you see what I mean. Handsome and I could have definitely started looking into adoption. Now, instead, we find ourselves still swirling around in the whole mystery of why can't we get pregnant? Why can't we have a child of our own? Why won't my body just work? Why won't God allow it now? Will He ever? Has He forgotten me?
On the other hand, the blood tests revealed some very helpful things, and let me just say this, girls, if you're dealing with infertility, ask your doctor to check your thyroid -- first thing! Early in the process! Not eight years down the road! Sheesh!
Anyway, as I said, all this has been happening while I have been thinking about life as a story. I've been thinking about this particular theme for several reasons - one, because a girl who doesn't work and doesn't have children sometimes can't help but wonder if her life as any purpose at all, and two, because my stinky brother-in-law got me started reading a book that is all about living a good story, and three, because today, the very last day of my wonderful Bible study, ended with these words from Beth Moore (I love her!) ...
"God never writes a story without a good ending. That includes yours, Sweet One...
One day on the hillside of the New Jerusalem, surrounded by a crowd of glad hearers, the divine Narrator will tell the story of one woman's life ... It will be yours.
The story will begin something like this: 'Once upon a time, in the days of the great and glorious Jesus, King of the vast empire of heaven and earth, there was a little girl who thought she was forgotten. Her name was ____________ but the King called her ____________.' This is the story of how she won His favor..."
Here's proof that Beth is telling the truth -- Philippians 2:13
"For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."
And I feel like a second grader filling in the blanks on her test because I know the answer to that second blank! He calls me His Beloved!
My story this far seems to me to be completely imperfect and beyond favor, but the words above were so encouraging, and I am reminded that in Him my story does have purpose and worth.
And, I want you to know what He's teaching me today so that if even a little of it rings true in your life because of crisis or loss or loneliness or just because everyday life is hard, you can know that you are not alone, you are valuable, you are not forgotten, everyone of us is broken in some way or another, and yet, He is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is in control. And He loves you, Beloved.
Isaiah 49:15b-16a
"I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands."
Amy, I just don't even have the words to how precious you are. You are an amazing woman and I pray I can be half the inspiration you are!!! Can't wait to hear the rest!!!
ReplyDeletePrecious - yes - that it is. Thank you so much Amy - Beloved.
ReplyDeleteDear Amy,
ReplyDeleteI know I certainly have not been struggling as long as you have-nor "trying" as long, but your words-and the words of scripture helped me.
What IS important to remember is that YES you are loved-by the Lord and by the friends and family that God has given to you! AND remember too, YOU DO WORK. You just work INSIDE the home instead of outside of it. It doesn't make it any less valid as work!
I also don't want to go to the doctor because like you, I find it all very clinical. I even stopped charting because it was so frustrating and really doesn't matter if you aren't intimate on a certain day anyway...PLUS, it is hard to be intimate when you are going by a calendar! I've had many people tell me that once they stopped worrying and being clinical, they conceived. My neighbor even told me that they had their first child at 36 and second at 38. That was very encouraging for me. I certainly do hope you and Ryan are able to conceive on your own-that is the dream for all of us, but do know there are a lot of chilren that need adopting. My husband, Shawn, was adopted too. He doesn't want to meet his biological parents and I respect and honor that, but I sure hold a lot of love for the woman that decided to have enough love to carry her baby and give him up for adoption to be raised in a loving home. Thank you for sharing your "story" and reminding each of us we are all part of a story...as God's beloved.
It's also been placed on my heart that we also, you and me, have a lot of nuturing qualities in us. I pray both of us might be shown how we can use that right now in our lives-as it is a gift-even while trying to actually become mothers. That we would not "wait" to use that gift. :)
ReplyDelete((((God's Peace))))